Hop on the Next Big Ship

So, I was thinking about the movie Kate and Leopold, you know the chick flick about time travel and British Hugh Jackman making all the ladies moist.  It’s not Disney, but bear with me;  I’m getting to that.  Anyway, I was curious if the actual Leopold invented the elevator (he didn’t), so I looked him up.  What I found was much better.

According to Wikipedia, the actual Prince Leopold, Duke of Albany (1853-1884) had as one of his marriage prospects a woman named Alice Liddell, later Alice Pleasance Hargreaves, who you might recognize as the girl who was the inspiration for Lewis Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”.  They were very closely acquainted, to the point where Leopold later named his daughter Alice, and Alice named her son Leopold.

Shit, I think they screwed.

The real Alice and the real Leopold.

The gods of the internet have granted me with a terrible cross-canon ship that has viable real-world historical accuracy.

And it’s not even my birthday.

Bad Ship

If it fits it ships.  YOU CAN’T STOP ME!

Pinocchio is Frollo

Ok, this one sounds a little too crazy, I admit, but I think it’s feasible for Pinocchio to grow up to be Judge Claude Frollo. Just bear with me. It’s severely unlikely that Disney intended this even within the cartoon universe, but I have some parallels so hear me out.
First of all, we all know the scene when Pinocchio’s nose grew when he told a lie. Pretty clear cause and effect relationship going on. This theme continues throughout the movie, where immoral actions have almost immediate and obvious consequences. Pinocchio is taught from a young age that he must always do the right thing or else. And where does he get his ideas of right and wrong? His conscience? Nope! Jiminy Cricket has a horrifically short lifespan. No, he learns it from religion, and that sort of guilt mongering is exactly the kind of thing 19th century Catholicism is famous for, which happened to also be the prevailing religion in Italy.
Continuing on that line of thinking, what do you think will happen when Pinocchio hits puberty? The very first time he gets an erection, he is going to remember the time his nose grew. He is going to think he did or thought something immoral. Any thought that causes an erection is going to immediately set off alarm bells in his brain that he is “bad” and he is being punished. And nobody is going to tell him otherwise, because Jiminy is dead and Gepetto has severe dementia (and shouldn’t be raising a kid in the first place). And on top of that, once again, Catholic. All he knows is “resist temptation”. So, he has all this sexual tension pushed to the back of his mind and he carries the guilt from that his whole life.
But wait, there’s more! Pinocchio has it drilled into his head (not literally) from the day he was brought to life that being a “real boy” is good and desirable, and having some semblance to being a human just isn’t going to cut it. He is immediately given the task to reject his imperfect body to achieve human form. Then afterwards, he has traumatic experiences with people of different species and races. Honest John and his cat sidekick (also known as Foulfellow and Gideon) deceive him twice, both with potentially disastrous outcomes, and Stromboli is a gypsy, a real stereotype of a greedy, child kidnapping, roaming gypsy. It’s really no surprise that Pinocchio/Frollo would have a bias. The only exceptions to this rule would be the Blue Fairy and Jiminy.  Like I said before, Jiminy would be dead fairly quickly so his influence would be easy to shrug off, and he probably perceived the Blue Fairy as an angel, thus strengthening his religious conviction.

The timeline is just about perfect for Pinocchio to have grown up with a strong Catholic background and hopped over to France to be a priest at the Notre Dame Cathedral.  Name changes were pretty easy and common in that time period, especially if one wanted to make a drastic career move to something prestigious instead of following in their parents’ footsteps.
Here’s just one more similarity I noticed: Pinocchio is a little bit of a pyro. When he sees a candle, the first thing he does is stick his finger in it and exclaim, “Pretty!” When he’s in Monstro’s stomach, his idea is to create a lot of smoke to make him sneeze. It was lucky that Monstro did actually sneeze, because most things don’t work out too well if you’re in an unfamiliar situation and your first response is to light all your available resources on fire. Compare that to Frollo’s propensity to burn things. Whale ate us? Light it on fire! Gypsies aren’t talking? More fire! Getting shit done!

Snow White has Down Syndrome

So I saw a Photoshopped picture of Snow White without makeup.

Sing to Potato

Ok wow, that’s terrible.  I’m pretty sure even without makeup she would still have eyebrows.  Here’s a better one:

Slightly less potato

Alright.  The point that I’m making here is, do you see something distinct about her facial features?  Her eyes are slanted and far apart.  She has a small nose and a small mouth.  Her face appears “flat”.  All of these are indicators of Down syndrome.  Not to mention her short stature, wide neck, and low muscle tone.

But wait!  I can’t make assumptions based on just how she looks.  Let’s take a look at her behavior.  There is a stereotype of people with Down syndrome having an empathetic personality type, which has been backed by research.  They are usually overly optimistic and cheerful.  They are generous and affectionate, and sometimes take this a little too far by not respecting other people’s personal boundaries.  That looks a lot like someone who would break into someone else’s house and then clean it for them.  Also, overly trusting is a big characteristic trait for people with Down syndrome.  Sounds like Snow White to me.

I’m not trying to say anything negative.  I just think there’s an extra chromosome there.

Source:  http://www.down-syndrome.org/reprints/305/

Chernabog is NOT evil

Who here knows who Chernabog is?  Anyone?  Fucking charlatans, all of ya.

chernabogThis guy.  This guy is Chernabog.  He is the star of the Night on Bald Mountain segment of Fantasia.  He is touted as the most evil Disney villain in history, by merchandise marketing, games, books, and even Walt Disney himself.  The Disney Wiki names him as “the only Disney Villain to date whose appearance onscreen has led to people murdering children and nuns in real life”.  Jesus Christ.

But what did Chernabog actually do?  Let’s ignore his post-Fantasia appearances in House of Mouse, Kingdom Hears, Epic Mickey, Kingdom Keepers, Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom, Fantasmic!, and World of Color.  In Night on Bald Mountain, he appears at the top of the mountain, summons demons, dances with them, throws them into the fire (where they came from anyway so that’s a zero-sum), and then goes back in the morning.  Dude partied all night.  Oooooh, so scary!  Really at that point, the most evil thing about him was his appearance, so lay off.  As for his subsequent appearances, well yeah.  At that point he was already pretty universally hated and considered the epitome of true evil.  He really had no other option but to fill the role.  If the slipper fits, wear it.

chernI’m just going to leave this here.

As for the, you know, real life dead people, you can’t really blame that on him.  If someone sees something scary on tv and is inspired to kill people, they obviously were already messed up.  The murders could have been inspired by anything.  It just happens to be that Chernabog was the scary thing to point the finger at.  You don’t blame a movie star for the actions of their fans.

Anyway, there’s no way you can read this and actually walk away thinking Chernabog is a decent guy.  All I wanted to prove was he’s not as bad as he looks and he’s actually pretty neutral.  I just like playing devil’s advocate.  Take from that what you will.

Quick Note on Beauty and the Beast

rose

One of the questions that many people ask about Beauty and the Beast is why Adam was changed into a beast when he was eleven years old.  The movie says they had been cursed for ten years and that the rose would bloom until his twenty-first birthday.  That made him eleven, right?  Not so fast!  The movie said the rose would bloom until his twenty-first birthday, not that it would wilt on that day.  After a rose stops blooming, it has plenty of time for all the petals to fall off.  I posit that he was actually a mid-teenager during the enchantress incident.  Look at his appearance in the flashback part of Beauty and the Beast:  The Enchanted Christmas.  He’s clearly older than eleven.  If he was around fifteen at the time, the rose could have bloomed until his twenty-first birthday, and then had four years to wilt.  I know that seems like a long time, but anyone who’s ever dried out a flower knows that the petals will actually stay on for quite some time, especially if it’s been kept in a magical stasis.  The enchantress probably wasn’t being too terribly ridiculous.

Also, I would like to note that if he had turned the rose on its side, the petals wouldn’t have fallen off at all.  Way to be stupid.

Big Hero 6 PLOT REVEALED ZOMFG!

So, I have this thing I’m doing where I try to predict the plot of a movie several months before it comes out based what has been currently released.  I did this with Frozen, and it looked pretty funny once the movie actually came out.  I’m in a weird mood so I’m just going to throw all professionalism out the window because I just don’t give a fuck.  The date currently is July 27, 2014, and this is my plot for the next big Disney movie, Big Hero 6:

Baymax

Big Hero 6 is about a boy named Hiro in San Francisokyo who creates a fucking adorable battle robot.  In the comic, the robot can shapeshift into a dragon, because blah blah blah brain engrams, dead father, science?  Pretty sure the movie version won’t do the dragon thing.  Anyway, it’s named Baymax and is some sort of neural network organic bot.  Hiro is an orphan and he spends his time working on this giant robot to fill the void inside because nobody loves him.  He’s so smart because he’s Asian.  Baymax has this awesome super suit which he somehow needs despite already being a robot.  Hiro and Baymax get attacked by a man in a Kabuki mask and his army of nanobots.  He figures out there’s some shit going down, so they investigate and find out that a spirit named Yokai is trying to avenge his dead brothers and destroy all humans.  They track down some other super smart inventors to form a team fight crime and stuff.  Apparently the people smart enough to invent new, advanced weaponry happen to also be athletic and coordinated enough to use it to save the world.  Go figure.

Next member of the Six is Gogo Tomago.  She is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum.  Gogo is an ex-criminal, and fights using a powerful flying exosuit that she invented.  Hiro flirts with her in his weird autistic way, but she is uninterested in him, because being a strong female protagonist means having no sexuality whatsoever, even though the male heroes are drowning in pussy.

Wasabi No Ginger is the black one.  He has dreadlocks and a cool attitude.  He was named after his parents’ favorite food, because haha those ethnic stereotypes are just so funny.  He uses laser sword hands and wears a cape, because he’s all about style over functionality.

Honey Lemon is the- wait a minute, is that Rapunzel?  Did they just reuse the face mesh for Rapunzel and put it on this bimbo?  Shit.  Anyway, Honey Lemon is going to be the girly foil character to Gogo Tomago.  She likes shopping and baking, and she has a magical beaded teddy bear purse.  Her deal is supposed to be that she’s super smart even though she looks and acts like a ditzy blonde bitch.  Nobody takes her seriously, because just look at the way she presents herself.  She looks like the kind of person who only counts in odd numbers because she literally can’t even.  Come on.

Fredzilla is an enchanted warrior who can turn into a giant monster the size of a building.  Lol, just kidding.  He’s a completely delusional guy in a rubber suit.  He can maybe breathe fire or some shit.

All these guys team up to fight Yokai, because nobody believes them and they want to do some good in the world.  Gogo is secretly working with the bad guy.  They find out he has some ridiculous weakness and devise a foolproof plan to defeat him.  Gogo then backstabs everyone for fun and profit, and also the big weakness was fake too.  Everyone is locked up, when Yokai decides to do away with Gogo because she’s served her purpose and he doesn’t need her anymore.  Having learned her lesson, she escapes and springs everyone else.  She leaves the group to fight him on her own and gets her ass kicked because he’s a cheater with his nanobot army.  Hiro has to go save her and they have awkward teenage victory sex.  I don’t fucking know.  There’s a reason I don’t write movies.

Elsa’s Powers

kidelsa

So, I’ve seen a few people trying to calculate Elsa’s internal body temperature (examples here: http://frozenheadcanons.tumblr.com/post/79233720382/because-of-elsas-powers-her-internal-body-temperature and here: http://goldflshturtle.tumblr.com/post/81596766900/elsa-and-thermodynamics). Most sources agree that Elsa is very cold. That second example there brings up a lot of thermodynamics, and concludes that she has zero thermal conductivity. I’m going to argue against that. Clearly, Elsa is taking in heat. A lot of heat. Elsa cannot project coldness on anything, because cold is not a thing that exists. The concept of cold is simply the absence of heat. Elsa’s powers work by absorbing the heat from her surroundings, indicating that she in fact has a ridiculous level of thermal conductivity and a very high internal body temperature. I cannot begin to express how much heat Elsa is taking in during the course of this movie. She turns the entire country’s summer into winter, and stores it all inside her body. Anybody saying Elsa is cold clearly didn’t take a look at where all that energy went. Elsa’s body is made to absorb a nearly infinite amount of heat without radiating any of it back into the environment. Obviously her thermal conductivity is variable, and she has the ability to alter it at will, thus controlling her powers. If she had proper training (like not spending an entire decade purposely repressing her powers), she probably could also radiate heat at will and have fire powers as well. This doesn’t even begin to address the fact that she fucking created sentient life. What is Elsa even made of? How does she not just die? I think I’ve been pretty successful so far in applying scientific principles to fictional magic, but Jesus Christ, lady!
I wish I knew where I was going with this, but I honestly don’t. I started out trying to find a nice explanation for her powers, but this was all I got. Sorry to disappoint you, but sometimes there’s just no way to reconcile magic with science. I’m sure there’s some way a human could have ice powers, but Elsa is just overpowered. Maybe I’ll come back to this and look at a much more reasonable character like Frozone.

Captain Hook is Jim Hawkins

hooky

 

Captain Hook seems to be a bit of a mystery.  There’s not really a straightforward answer as to who he is or how he got to Neverland.

Disney does offer an explanation in Jake and the Neverland Pirates, saying his full name is James Bartholomew Hook, but this show deviates from established canon, and it’s just dumb that his actual last name is Hook.  Another explanation was presented in Peter and the Starcatchers, saying that Hook was previously a notorious pirate known as Black Stache, but this book is even further off established canon (Ridiculously so.  I might even make a full post about how much Ridley Pearson pisses me off).  The only way to find a canon answer is to go to the source material.

The original Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie, states that “Hook was not his true name” and “those who read between the lines must already have guessed”.  Ok, so if it’s guessable without stating his name outright, then he must be either a famous pirate or an already established literary character.  The largest clue presented was is relationship with the famous pirate Barbeque.  Barrie says that, “He is the only man of whom Barbecue was afraid.” and that he taught Hook a sword-fighting maneuver.  One Google search later and I found out that Barbecue is another name for Long John Silver of Treasure IslandPeter Pan was set in 1904, and Treasure Island was set in 1754.  Captain Hook graduated Eton in 1894 (according to Peter Pan in Scarlet, not written by Barrie but stated by him to be canon).  The timing works out if Hook spent some time in Neverland before going to University.

So, to recap, we are looking for someone who is already a famous pirate or literary character, was a young man close to John Silver around 1754, and was uneducated at the time.  His first name is James, and he is described as having dark hair and blue eyes.  Only one other person matches that description.

Captain Hook is Jim Hawkins.

The blue eyes tipped me off.  Why would Captain Hook have blue eyes unless he was already based on someone with that description?  He had dark hair, and his skin was tanned from the sun.  Everything about him had a certain aura of darkness.  From a literary perspective you would think that his eyes would be brown, almost black, so that looking in his eyes was like staring into the abyss.

J.M. Barrie was a fan of Treasure Island as well as a close friend of Robert Luis Stevenson.  Having James Hook be Jim Hawkins would be a great secret tie in between the two friends.  It explains away the blue eyes and Hook’s introduction to piracy.  I’m surprised this isn’t a more common theory, because all the clues point in this one direction.

How does Wonderland exist?

tulgey

As portrayed by Disney, Wonderland is a combination of the original Wonderland from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the Looking-Glass Lands from Through the Looking-Glass.  Many people assume that Wonderland was meant to be about drugs, but it is actually an allegory for calculus and abstract algebra.  Charles Dodgson was a professor at Oxford, and wrote Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland in protest to radical changes being made in advanced mathematics during the mid-nineteenth century, such as imaginary numbers, different bases, and infinite limits.  As a mathematician myself, this really pisses me off, since these concepts are actually quite basic, and Dodgson was just a religiously Euclidian fanatic.  The point here is that the reason Wonderland is so different from the real world is because it operates on an entirely different set of mathematical laws.

The most important concept addressed in the book is the idea of quaternions, which is a system of complex numbers that operates in four terms.  The most famous study of quaternions was conducted by William Rowan Hamilton, who could only make the terms rotate on a 2D plane.  It was only with the addition of a fourth dimension that he was able to get three-dimensional rotation.  This evolved into the now-common belief that the fourth dimension must represent time.  The three spacial units are represented in the book by the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the Dormouse, all in attendance at the Mad Tea Party.  The story goes that Time was once a friend of theirs, but had a disagreement with the Mad Hatter and left the tea party, never to be seen again.  Without the additional dimension, the others are limited to rotations in a plane, stuck going around in circles at the table forever.

So if the members of the Mad Tea Party represent the dimensional beings, and the exclusion of Time affects them, it could be speculated that these warped physics extend to all of Wonderland, cutting it off from the rest of the world by trapping it within only three dimensions (I’m saying Alice was able to enter through some sort of anomaly).  I’m not saying that these characters are the dimensions themselves, or that they have any sort of control over them, but their existence simply regulates the natural order of things.  Without the character Time, the idea of time itself has become warped.  For example, things seem to move linearly from Alice’s perspective, but the White Queen finds herself remembering things “in both directions”.  When Alice walks away from the caterpillar, it takes her longer to return from that spot when he calls her back.  The White Rabbit’s clock is perpetually stuck at 5:00, yet he is always complaining about being late.  It’s hard to make any consistent sense of it all, because the very world itself is based on a flawed perception on the very laws of reality.

So that’s how Wonderland was made, and that’s exactly how its physics operate.  Alice falls through some sort of space-time anomaly into a universe where a full dimension is fundamentally broken.  Everything is different and she doesn’t understand it, because she is from the “correct” universe.

Check out this article:  http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20427391.600-alices-adventures-in-algebra-wonderland-solved.html   It explains the math in Wonderland in more depth.

 

What is Pixie Dust?

cropped-pixie.jpg

Pixie dust is a mysterious magical substance that allows people to fly when they think happy thoughts.  How it works is never fully explained, but I believe enough of its effects have been shown to make a thorough analysis of its composition.

One thing I would like to be clear on is that I will not be referencing Peter and the Starcatchers for this.  Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson have already outright contradicted established canon.  They are not affiliated with the original book, and, despite the fact that Disney published their books, are not included in the official Peter Pan franchise.

Pixie dust doesn’t actually come off of pixies.  They are shown getting rations from the dust keepers, and can’t fly when it runs out.  Pixies are unique in that they need both dust and wings to fly.  I would attribute this to the fact that they have weak wings from lack of use and have evolved to use the pixie dust as a crutch, but Lord Mallory had a torn wing, and he was unable to fly using the dust alone.  This raises some inconsistency as to whether the pixies are physiologically linked to the dust.  Perhaps the dust usually can run on happy thoughts alone, but the pixies have developed a sort of immunity to it and require to use it in correspondence with the wings.

So where does pixie dust come from?  In Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure, we are told that every eight years, the fairies create blue pixie dust when the light of the blue moon hits the moonstone.  Nobody knows what the moonstone is or where it comes from; all we know is that they found it.  I believe the implication was that it came from space.  When the blue dust comes in contact with the gold dust, it disappears and creates more gold dust.  The blue dust grain disappears, which means it must have been the source of matter for the new gold dust, which would make sense spatially since the individual blue grains are larger than the gold ones.

In order for anything to run off of “happy thoughts”, it would have to have some way of detecting them, either by reading hormonal signals or electrical impulses in the brain.  This shows that it isn’t just a simple chemical compound, but a something much more complicated.  This is reflected again in the way that it falls.  Some of the grains plummet straight to the ground, while others float slowly like a feather, so there’s clearly an inconsistent density distribution, a mixture of separate types of grains serving a separate purpose.  As we can see in Tinker Bell and the Pirate Fairy, different colors of dust can alter a fairy’s talent, proving the dust reads and alters an organism’s biological structure, which would also explain how Peter Pan never grows up.  The pixie dust is manipulating him from the inside to keep him from aging.

The only explanation for this is that it is mechanical.  I wanted to find a chemical compound that would fit the description, but the procedures performed here are far too complicated for that.  Pixie dust is made of nanobots.

The first kind would have to be of a surgical type, manipulating and reshaping the body so that it remains young and healthy forever.  They only last for a brief period of time before having to be replenished, so you would only maintain the effect though constant exposure (such as living in Neverland).  This would also provide a good explanation for the inconsistent aging patterns in Neverland.  In the original book, Peter Pan forbade the Lost Boys from growing up, but some of them did grow a little on the island anyway due to lack of exposure.

The second type of nanobot is responsible for flight.  It’s difficult to find a reasonable explanation for how this works.  I considered the possibility that they might be antimatter because of a theory that antimatter has a negative gravitational pull, but there’s no actual evidence behind it and it is intuitively an unsound theory.  There’s also the fact that antimatter and matter annihilate each other on contact.  One thing that is certain is that it has some sort of dopamine or serotonin detector which determines when the flight is activated.  Then it lifts the target off the ground.  Humans are not exactly aerodynamic and the regular laws of lift and thrust don’t apply here, so how they manage to make a human fly without any large-scale augmentation is bizarre.  The most reasonable way for a robot this small to move objects around would have to be an ability to alter electromagnetism.  By warping the electric charge of the person and the objects around the person, the pull could be strong enough to lift them off the ground and move them whichever way they want to go.  In order for this to work in any given environment, on a moving target that isn’t even fully covered in the nanobots, would require an immense number of calculations and an extremely advanced AI, but I’m going to say that it is theoretically possible.

So we’ve worked out a possible structure of pixie dust, but now the question is where it came from.  The technology presented here is too modern to have been done by modern science, let alone the early 1900’s.  Therefore it must have either been created by aliens or time travelers.  I’m going to say aliens, because backwards time travel would be much further ahead technologically speaking than pixie dust, and people wouldn’t need a material that can make them fly when they can already warp time, and presumably space.  So that leaves aliens as the only explanation.  There is nothing that I could find in any Peter Pan canon that leaves a clue as to who they were and why they sent the pixie dust to Earth.  Perhaps it wasn’t sent here intentionally at all.  Maybe it crash-landed here by mistake.  Who knows?

Let me know what you think, especially if you’re an expert in this sort of thing.